I'm out. I'm done. No more for me. I'm leaving this site and I'm never coming back. It is for my own good. Have to rid all the bad things. And what is the best way? To shun them... To much pain for a diseased mind...
What happens to someone with a diseased mind? Perhaps they fucking focus on life itself... what is the meaning? Why are we here? Why are we going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to become? I don't know. But I do know. I want to know... I can see it, I can taste it... but I can't reach it... Can't touch, stroke, or pet it... Torturous, torturous life... life it is...
Have you ever experianced not seeing in color? When all colors changed to a dimming hue. When white becomes grey, yellow to brown, grey to black, red to your insides, blue your mood, black your future... Have you ever looked in the mirrior to see yourself. Not the reflection, but yourself and see nothing but a black face. A dirty face and dying face. With empty eyes, dark eyes, lonely eyes... You see a small light, hoping this light is hope, but only find out that it is the light reflecting off your pupil... You wash your face from the dirt, but it doesn't come off, you look at the towel and it is clean, not a speck of dirt, but yet your face continues to grow darker... You try to live, try to become... someone... but you can't, because you tell yourself that you are a nobody, that you are nothing... nothing but a mere unwanted pebble on a road... You try to grow, try to be recognized, try to... help... but you can't. You find someone that says, she cares, but then throws you back on the road broken the next day... Dying, crying in the rain... alone... You try, but can't succeed... So you give up, you don't care.... your barriers, your restrictions weaken, so you give into drugs, hoping that they will help. Trying to quit doesn't cross your mind, because you don't care. Why should you care? But they drugs seem to be wearing... their pleasing effects change... They become darker, you tell yourself you need to stop, that this is dangerous, but you don't care, so you continue... It doesn't matter anymore... So then you lie there staring at the bleach and how tasteful it will become. How nice, lovely and sweet this enternal nector will become. Just a taste you say... Just one taste... It will sure lead to happiness right? right... but you also have a belt around your waste... wouldn't it look lovely around your neck? But hey... everyone has their own methods right...
If there is any advice that I could give anyone, it would to be stupid, stay stupid, continue to be stupid. Then you are sure to live a happy life. Complication is bad, you thrive to know more, so you dig deep inside what shouldn't be touched and you find out why... But then it is too late. You become plagued, diseaded, contaminated.... A phase is what you hear, but a phase is what you hope for... But normal people don't stick with a phase that could end their life. To make them see enternal darkness... Oh, how I envy those stupid people back in high school. Those people that I use to distaste... The people that I pitied... Oh how great it would be to worry about what type of shoes to wear for the day or how much i weigh...
What can keep you living longer, what can free your mind from hating you, telling you that you are nothing... that you will never make it, telling you that nothing is hopeful, free, lovely... A mind that tells you that you are great, then turns around and tells you that you are a fucking asshole. A mind that tells you that you are invisable, that no ones cares about you, that no one wants to even know you, that everyone thinks ill of you... But then they, the people, say good, pleasing, uplifting stuff about you, and your mind tells you well, but then a moment later it tells you that they don't mean it, that they don't care, they don't like you, trust you, only using you... That is the only thing to live for isn't it... to be used...
But how can you help yourself? How can you prevent yourself from falling... being loved by a girl? But they tore you apart remember, they take your heart and shatter it and then spit it in your face. Leaving you to rot in your own self pity... They ones that you thought, you wanted to be a friend... That's alll you want, is a friend, someone to talk to, to hold, to share your secrets with. Someone to help you, to pick you up when you fall... But your mind tells you all the otherwise... Telling you that you cant trust anyone, but you want. You seach deep to find a small selected handful to be your "friends" but, you grow distant to those, you feel lost, dying and unhealthy... Can you ever find a friend, a friend in a dark endless forest?
Perhaps a child will help you, one not of your own blood, because you know that you will never breed. Because you are nothing, but what if you had a child, someone to make you feel that you have something to live for. Someone to teach your philosophies to. Someone you hope will grow to love you, someone you hope to grow what you want them to be. Someone, that wouldn't give a second thought to help you even if it changes their life in the future. But what if you philosophies are wrong. What if they will infact damage your child, giving her the same unwanted fear, and self pity that you have been bestowed on... What if they end themselves before you... what if you end yourself before them, leaving them helpless... alone... crying... dying...
I think it's time for me to go... I would tell you all best of wishes, but what are wishes... They are only hope that we want to make us happy... Nothing but the favor to a god to help us out. What do you wish for? money, love, a car, food, getting thin, a pair of shoes? For me... I wish to be happy...

There is no need to respond to this message, because I can't hear you. But if you are dying to tell me somthing, the only way to reach my deafing ears is to e-mail me. And if you don't know my e-mail address, then I envy you...